So I realize that the last time I updated this journal was like a thousand years ago. If you really want to read what's been going on for the last coupla months go check out my other journal: carebear37

Here's a quick update for all of you who weren't paying attention.

Spent the summer working crappy temp jobs, hanging with my family and just trying to get the hang of this whole "real world" thing. My brother went to boot camp and is probably going to Iraq. I'm really proud of him. I'm becoming a partlite consultant, which is kinda like being an avon lady only with candles. Not sure how I feel about it. Also, and probably most importantly, I have a job, a full time one. I am a receptionist in a real estate office, which is mostly boring, but I have my own computer, I get to write the newsletter, and all the people are super nice. Tim graduates from bootcamp on wednesday, Lo's working at the Hollywood video and Ethan just started 7th grade with all the angst to go with it.

I miss Hollins, a lot. That's it. Man that's pathetic. Three months and that's what I have to show for it. I have like no social life. Sad.

I miss everyone and hope everyone is doing well.

So FoF is officially dead. We killed it. With awkward silences and four cans of spray paint. Everyone's so on edge that nothing can be funny and there are probably four or five elephants in every room. I don't feel like I can say anything without worrying how it will be received. Tae's parents get here tomorrow and that's when everything disappears. From then on the whole weekend will be a series of quick hellos and a fast hurtle towards graduation. Everything's falling apart and I don't really know how it can be fixed now. I miss february when all this was really far away. I have to be at work at 8:30 tomorrow and there will never be enough sleep ever. I'm going to be before I become morose. I love it here and I'm not ready to leave.

I feel like talking about Hollins. About how I used to say that it was better than disneyland and still sort of believe that. About how my friends have become the best people they could possibly be here and how it feels vital to my continued existence.

There are probably 100 people collected here that have had some sort of impact on my life. Some more than others, but when else in your life are you going to have the opportunity to be surrounded by that many people who are or have been important to you. I mean yes, I'm thrilled, jumping around the room that I no longer have to do homework or go to class. It's like the most exciting thing ever. But I don't know how to say goodbye to people. How do you say "I don't know when I'll see you next, but have a nice life" to someone you've seen almost everyday for the past four years. I've never said goodbye before, not like this. In high school we didn't say goodbye, we didn't say anything, and I don't want it to be like that, but I don't know how to do this.

Graduating sucks. It's cool and it sucks. I'm ready and I'm not. I remember being a freshman and somehow that was yesterday. In the grand scheme four years isn't that long, but this four years feels monumental, colossal in the overall picture of my life. How do you let go of the most important four years, the best four years?

I stopped telling people how much I love Hollins. Stopped trying to convince young people to come here, and I think I did that maybe because I could make the feeling go away by not talking about it. I can't. And the feeling is so deep in me, such a part of me that I can't even cry about leaving, just kind of look around numbly in shock and hope that I can survive outside.

Ok, this wasn't supposed to be depressing, really it wasn't. It was supposed to be about how much I love everyone here, and how much my friends have meant to me. It's about that too, you just have to read between the lines.

Today sucks, is it over yet?

Reasons it sucks:
-Stayed up till 4 am writing this stupid french paper then forgot to save it and alas it is gone forever

-have cramps like a mother fucker

-think loey's mad at me

-can't sleep in tomorrow cause of work

-am never sleeping again apparently

-received my first graduation card, something I don't have the emotional fortitude to deal with right now

-still have three hours of class to go to, a presentation to do, and a buttload to do for carnival

Yes, woe is me, I'm done ranting. Please forgive, I'll be better tomorrow I promise

PS please excuse the horrid punctuation I'm too tired for that shit

First off... A very very Happy Birthday to one James Lance Bass, whose adorableness sucked me into the NSYNC fandom and has continued to make the fandom so much fun. In the short time I've loved him he's had people do bodyshots off his stomach, tried to go to space, done the Lance Dance, worn a kilt, hosted Sharon, and taken Chris on a big gay vacation, not to mention a few very hot pictures on the beach. The boy is irresistable, go ahead try and resist his charm I dare you. So Happy Birthday dude, hope it's a good one.

I feel as if much should be said but little there is to say. I have a thousand things to do and no real drive to do any of them. Graduation rapidly approaches and I'm so not prepared. I really hope I get the job with the MDA, that would rock. Yeah I thought I had more to say and I don't. Oh, go read Loey's hundred ways story here: http://deliciously.pinkhoney.net/thingforyou.html

I don't know the html for the link code thinger and Loey signed off. So deal.

I love you all, you know I do.

I'm feeling posty, yet I don't think I have a single important thing to say. Spring break drags along, and as I told mom it's not much different than a normal week. Like a normal week minus the guilt associated with skipping class and never working.

Lo and I are being very domestic though, we went grocery shopping, we cooked, we ate at the table, then we watched a movie. It was like "here is a picture of your life"

T comes back tomorrow and well I'm not exactly thrilled, plus she's bringing her mom, who I hear isn't very nice. I was having such a nice break too.

I have nothing to say. Dallas gets closer and closer. Excited, but nervous. It will be nice just to get off campus for awhile, since I'm feeling very claustrophobic.

Ok I'm stopping now, before this post gets any more pointless than it already is.

PS: Look at my Choey icon! It's old, but it's Joey month, and Chris is currently the beacon of light at the end of the rainbow, hence Choey!

1. What one TV show must you tape if you're unable to catch it?
Right now: The OC. It's the new Dawson's Creek


2. What time did you wake up this morning?
10:04, because one of my alarm clocks is possessed.

3. Who should be the first female president?
Ummmm, I have no idea. I think a female president would be an awesome thing, but can't really think of anyone that shares my views and who I think could handle the job.

4. What is the weirdest thing you've used as a bookmark?
Probably an airheads wrapper, but normally I'm one of those annoying people who folds the corners down.

5. If you could be a superhero, who would you be?
If I had anyone's powers hmmm, Wonderwoman, that whole lasso of truth thing is pretty cool.

6. What Gilligan's Island character do you relate to most?
Well I'm the Gilligan to Loey's Skipper, but I probably relate most to Mariann.

7. What game show would you most like to host?
Double Dare, totally.

8. You're offered a network sitcom about you. What do they call it?
Probably something stupid like "Carrie!" (this show obviously doesn't make it past the half season point.)

9. If you could bring back any fashion/fad from any era, what would it be?
poodle skirts and cardigan sweaters. I would look totally hot in an outfit like that.

10. What is the most boring sport to watch?
Football, it's like the hurry up and wait sport.

11. What musician is the most overrated?
Hilary Duff

12. What's the best excuse you've given to not go out with someone?
I'm moving to another country. Honestly.

13. What is the last compact disc you bought?
JC Chasez, and man was that a good purchase.

14. If you won an Oscar, who would be the first person you'd thank?
I'd probably be trying to thank Lo and my mom at the same time and end up saying something ridiculous like "I'd like the thank my mom, Loey."

15. Who would you trade places with for a day?
Paris Hilton, rich, pretty, dating a backstreet boy, and can get away with anything.

16. At what place are you like a kid in a candy store?
Sephora and Ikea (Ikea is like mecca, seriously)

17. Where's your favorite place to sit in a movie theater?
In the middle, exactly. Or in front of those random bars that divide the balconies.

18. From what places do the best accents come from?
UK definately. Although some of those VMI boys have so hot little drawls on them.

19. Put any two people together on a Presidential ballot as running mates.
Um, Arnold and Colin Powell

20. If you could kiss one person before you die, who would it be?
This is going to sound totally lame, but Brad Pitt. If Meet Joe Black doesn't make you want to smooch on that man something is wrong with you.

21. Have you ever been told you look like a celebrity?
um not really.

22. Your plane leaves at 4:55 p.m. What time do you arrive at the airport?
Probably between 3:30 and 4, but that's if it's a domestic flight. I'm normally not late for those kind of things, although I'm chronically late for everything else.

23. Finish this sentence. I wouldn't be caught dead ...
eating anything with tenacles. Gross.

24. What's your favorite thing to drink?
Apple Juice, my food tastes mirror that of a first grader.

25. What movie best reflects your life story?
Legally blonde in that people tend to diregard my intelligence cause I act a little ditzy.

26. Do you insist on getting the last word in?
not really, no.

27. Where are you most ticklish?
um, everywhere. I'm insanely ticklish, it's like genetic.

28. What is the worst thing that can happen on a date?
um, he can bring you a chocolate chicken (this actually happenned to me) no not really, umm, your mom shows up with like naked baby pictures. That's pretty bad.

29. You're a big star. What do you insist be in your dressing room?
Laffy Taffy and Pierre and oooh, I'm a big star so I can get Kindereggs.

30. If you could change your name, what would you change it to?
Um, no thinking about it I wouldn't change my name. I might drop my last name, but I like my first name, it fits me.

This was brought to you by hollinsprincess whom I shamelessly stole it from.

So, what should you say when your best friend calls you all in a tizzy and says let's drive to Dallas in 3 weeks, stay for less than 24 hours then turn around and come back? Doesn't really matter what you should say cause I love her too much to say no. Plus, you know I like a roadtrip probably a whole lot more than the next guy. We're billing it as a twenty-something semi rebellion pilgrimage thing. Let's just hope it goes a little more smoothly than our last pilgrimage.

Still am a little nervous, cause it's not really my scene, any of it. Am not really a part of fandom outside of being a shy little lurker, also am not real good with new people. Tend to be either overly boisterous or clam up. But I have to fabulous Kirkpatrick ass to lure me, and liquor to loosen me up, and boys to stare at. And 34 hours in a car (which is like super exciting!) I love Lo too much to say no, plus I have got to learn to get out there, my Hollins bubble is about to burst and shock of shocks there are real people out there. But still nervous little butterflies. They'll go away, or I'll just get really tipsy and won't feel them anymore.

This post is brought to you by the crazies who support other crazies. Thank you and goodnight.

So today was one of those incredible days, the kind you can't plan, but that stay with you for awhile. Lo was feeling down, so I suggested we go for a drive and we did. We got two big gulps and half a tank of gas and just kept going. We drove past a guy on a tractor, hit a dead end, turned around and ended up in the Jefferson national forest, drove through Glascow, a town filled with huge plastic dinosaurs, and then got halfway to west virginia before we realized we weren't going the right way. We sang along with the radio and watched scenery go by. Doesn't sound too excited, but it was so what both of us needed. I feel rejuvenated. and man do I love that girl.

Go! Drive! Escape your life!

Have been at work less than an hour, for the first time in like 4 months, and am already bored. There are like a million things I could be doing, however my boss is outta the office all day so I can't ask her what she's done, and what I need to do, blah blah blah. Also have mananged to acquire in said hour a huge blister on the bottom of my foot from new shoes. Ouch. The good thing is that I have the reunion office pretty much to myself meaning I can slack when I feel like it. Also someone like fucked with my office comp cause I no longer am connected to a printer, which sucks, cause I can't put handbooks together without one. Bah.

In other news, yay for lunch with Lo. Fruit Salad yummy yummy.

Ok, off to find some intimate and uplifting stories.

Love you, fucker.

At 10:30 I was exhausted, seriously two blinks away from bed, when I got suckered into going to the truck stop, of all places, because everyone else was going and I absolutely cannot be left out. Needless to say I am now awake. Wide awake. Fun was had though, the family seems to have come through the last coupla weeks with a few battle scars but none the worse for wear. Dynamics still feel a little off, but they'll probably recover before too long. Man I love those girls.

ok, this evening I was assured of the fact that Lo will probably always be a huge part of my life by something incredibly small. She sat in my room while I built a Sims dream house. I was being completely boring, and she sat in my room watching the Cosby show laughing hysterically. We didn't talk about anything, we were pretty much quiet the whole time, but it was cozy and fun and I loved it. It's the major thing I miss about living together, the being together thing. Man I love that girl.

In other news, JC's album rocks the casbah, it rocks the whole of Algeria (where the casbah is located), indeed it rocks the entire planet. If for some reason you are reading this and you don't own it, go buy it. For $12 you get 17 awesome songs. There isn't a song on the CD that I don't like.

I am so glad this week is over. I'm exhausted, and I started the skipping of classes. The problem is once you skip one, you realize it's not a big deal, and therefore start skipping more. Bah.

This weekend looks busy. Blah.

Today was one of the hardest days I've had emotionally in a long time. First off it's Thursday which is long and grueling, add on top of that Founder's day and the memorial for president Bell, throw in a major disappointment and you have one shit day.

( I think I wanna cry )

So I'm procrastinating, which is a daily occurence really, but I do not want to clean my room right now even though the idea of living in this sty any longer is sickening, so instead y'all get to hear about the excitement of my weekend.

Cheers to getting money
Jeers to spending so much of said money that guilts eats at my stomach

Cheers to bonding in the form of matching tatoos
Jeers to not being able to force fun

Cheers to drunken antics
Jeers to only 100 days left til graduation

Cheers to have the best made up family a girl could have
Jeers to the little battles that come with any family

Cheers to my new pink coat
Jeers to Target not having my shoes

Cheers to many many meals eaten out
Jeers to paying for said meals

Cheers to Loey (because well Loey always deserves cheers)
Cheers to bickering with Joy (because well that's what siblings do)
Cheers to Tara (because she's the funniest "dad" a girl could ask for)

So to make these more logical to people who aren't me, Friday I got loan money and Lo and I spent an obscene amount of money at the mall, which was fun, lots of fun. Then we went bowling with the fam. and embarassed ourselves at the McDonalds and just had an all around good time. Saturday, Lo and I went to Denny's and then the four of us sat in the tatoo parlor forever waiting to get matching tatoos. They look awesome and the four of us are now forever linked by permanent etchings into our bodies. Lo and I did some more shopping and then we all went to dinner at the steak house where we got checked out (because we looked totally hot) played the question game and spent way too much money on drinks. It might not have been the best night we've ever had as a family, but I've realized that you can't force those things, so when we do have them on like a weds. then I appreciate them more. This weekend, which was in celebration of 100th night actually made me less sad about graduation, cause I think I realized that in some form or another we will all be there for each. Like time and distance can't really diminish it.

So that's my weekend in a nutshell, and if I write any more I'll start waxing poetic or something. Needless to say I love my girls more than words can express.

So here's a recap of the last month, just in case you missed something, or care, or something. So here's what happened:

- A week of Karaoke revolution, in which J and I got really competitive, L learned to hate "Like a Virgin" and I learned every note to "Wind beneath my wings" Was totally fun while it lasted.

- J's birthday weekend of drunkeness which involved everything necessary to make an NC-17 film: liquor, cussing, puking, more liquor, nudity, girl on girl action, "you can't febreeze the puke" and I'm sure there was some violence in there somewhere. Fun nevertheless and not to be soon forgotten. Plus the recap of J's puking extravaganza has yet to fail in the laugh department.

- An afternoon spent napping on Lo's bed and watching a bad Elvis movie. I know not terrible exciting, but it was a highlight.

- Played cat and mouse with my thesis advisor after deciding I'd rather take the F than spend one more minute staring at my thesis. Needless to say I'm a chicken Sh*t and continue to run away if I think I see him on campus.

- Family fun night, which included possibly scarring some small children at the Golden Corral and six games of bowling in 3 hours. We made fun of traditional gender roles, told bad jokes, and picked on each other. It was awesome.

- Finally a superbowl party that really shouldn't be called a party considering there were a total of 4 people there, L doesn't really count cause she didn't want to come but she lives there. Also Me and T fell asleep for like an hour of the game and all but me missed the boobie incident. The end of the game though was fun cause I tried to convince T and J that I knew something about football even though for most of the game I couldn't even figure out who had possession of what a down was.

Man I love those girls. The semester starts in 2 days and it'd be really hilarious if it was a snow day. I hate snow, it can stop any time now.

On a totally different topic, I love this song, I'm like totally addicted to it even though the first time I heard it I hated it. Funny that Chasez getting himself stuck in my head. Sneaky SDB's.

This was fun for me and probably just a pain in the butt for Lo, cause I was asking her every 2 seconds if we had been to this or that state.

Bold=visited, Italics = stayed the night, Underlined = lived there, All Caps = Currently live there, Asterik = born there

1) Alabama 2) Alaska 3) Arizona 4) Arkansas 5)*California 6) Colorado 7) Connecticut 8) Delaware 9) Florida 10) Georgia 11) Hawaii 12) Idaho 13) Illinois 14) Indiana 15) Iowa 16) Kansas 17) Kentucky 18) Louisiana 19) Maine 20) Maryland 21) Massachusetts 22) Michigan 23) Minnesota 24) Mississippi 25) Missouri 26) Montana 27) Nebraska 28) Nevada 29) New Hampshire 30) New Jersey 31) New Mexico 32) New York 33) North Carolina 34) North Dakota 35) Ohio 36) Oklahoma 37) Oregon 38) Pennsylvania 39) Rhode Island 40) South Carolina 41) South Dakota 42) Tennessee 43)Texas 44) Utah 45) Vermont 46) VIRGINIA 47) Washington 48) West Virginia 49) Wisconsin 50) Wyoming and DC

I've been lots of places, which is I guess what happens when you drive cross country four times.

I shouldn't be typing this, I should be in bed. I got three hours of sleep last night, and those were on a very uncomfortable plane. My head feels full though, and my heart feels empty. I don't really want to be here, and I've never felt this way. I used to love it here more than any other place on the planet, and at the moment it feels like a prison. Don't mind my melodrama, I'm feeling angsty. I want to be on a train going somewhere old. I want to be on a highway going somewhere new. Missing a week makes it feel like I've just started elementary school in the middle of term. Everything seems to have shifted and I don't really know how to catch up. Or if I want to really. How can this be my life when I look around and everything feels unfamiliar? I'm buried in a homework shitpile of my own making, I'm swimming in laundry, and allI want to do is go home and i just got here. Wherever that is. I'm going to bed, hopefully to wake up and find this strange feeling was all a bad dream.

Would y'all like the know the many reasons snow sucks...I'm sure you would

1. Because of the snow my flight was cancelled on tuesday
2 Because of the snow my flight was cancelled on Wednesday
3. Because of the snow my flight was cancelled on Thursday
4. Because of the snow my flight was cancelled on Friday
5. Because of the snow I have to rearrange all my j-term plans
6. Because of the snow the furnace at loey's house is broken and no one can get here to fix it and I can't feel my toes
7. Because of the snow I haven't been out of the house in 5 days
8. Because of the snow I still haven't slept in my very comfortable bed and have missed a week of mecca

Okay I'm done now. It's really not that bad, hanging with Loey's fam, reading, watching tv all day. It's just a little weird. I mean I love Loey's family but if I'm going to do nothing for this long I'd kinda rather do it at my own house where I don't feel like I'm intruding or in the way. Not that anyone's really made me feel that way, it's just the way I feel. I'm getting a little homesick and I only have like 135 more days at Hollins and I'm missing some of them. My thesis isn't finished yet and I'm officially screwed. I also think Lo's a little annoyed with me mostly because after being cooped up together for 5 days I am annoying. I'm also stressed and trying real hard not to show it. Bah.

I did get to watch the OC and that will continue to be the highlight of my week despite the fact that that episode wasn't very good. Bah I say bah.

And now I must go because my fingers are freezing to the keys.

Hugs to everyone I haven't seen in forever.

To grandmother's house I go.

For a very long week without internet, tv, or any of the modern convenieces.

So don't post anything too terribly interesting without me, okay?

Christmas was good, normal. Had a really yummy raspberry margarita at El Torito that my mom bought for me that I used to gloat over my brother. Being 21 rocks.

I would just like to report, in case haven't been paying attention, I am a very strange person ask afterthedream she'll tell you. I babbled in her ear for over an hour tonight. I'm lucky she still listens to me.

In other news, the lovely SeSa stories will be keeping my company during my hiatus. I love when many people post at once. I can't wait for the flash fic in January. Woohoo to new stories.

Ok, that's it for me, that's all she wrote, goodnight folks.

{{{{{HUGS}}}}}

Well sort of.

Christmas feels sort of bland this year. It's not really good or bad, I'm just bored and want to go home. Real home. My brother is driving me nuts, because he invokes the petty insecure third grader in me and I hate that. My monkeyface is being super cute though, and we spend lots of time goofing off, or curled up watching tv. I miss that little bugger and I'm he's really the only reason I would consider moving here. I miss my Loey. I called once but we weren't really clicking, which sucks, cause I don't think I'll see her before we go back to school, as I will be spending the next week at my grandmother's house in L.A. Don't really know how I feel about that yet.

I am having a minor freak out because I've been having dreams about not being able to rent an apartment due to my colossally bad credit, which really is not something I should be worried about. I have much more pressing issues to worry about besided that, like my unfinished thesis.

The only really good thing about being home is my mom's un-firewalled DSL, which has allowed me to download the first 8 episodes of season 3 QAF, which seriously is my favorite show ever. I'm still a little giddy from episode 8 and since it's decades old I'm not gonna put the spoiler behind a cut, but the end of the episode is when Justin and Brian get back together and they're my OTP, even though I don't understand why because sometimes I really hate Brian. And sometimes I really love him. There's no accounting for taste.

Everyone else seems to be having a really good Christmas and I have to say I'm a little jealous. Sarah with her car and Megan with the boy. Happy for them but jealous none the less seeing as how I would give my left tit for either of those things. Everything in its time I guess.

You bored yet. I am. This post has been brought to you by the board to support boredom. Merry fucking Christmas, Happy Hannukah, Happy Kwanza, you know the drill.

No really. Love goes out to anyone who's reading this. Really BIG love.